The last week of March

I have never felt this much loss, hurt, or depression. I am numb. Every simple task feels exhausting. Getting out of bed is a chore. Getting the kids ready and out the door is a challenge. I find myself zoning out, making everyone repeat what they just said. I feel helpless, but I know things will get better.

Taking three days away from social media was stressful as a business owner, but it was much needed. Now, I feel lighter, refreshed, and calmer. This break made me realize that I need to focus more on real-life human connections and limit my hours online.

When I started CHAP-OH, I told myself I would stick to a strict content schedule, but that didn’t work. Every day, I try to connect with who I truly am, and even though it’s difficult, I am making progress. CHAP-OH was built not only to raise awareness but to change the business model. Not everyone has the capacity for a traditional 9-to-5, Monday-to-Friday job. The simple act of showing up and wanting to work as a disabled individual is an accomplishment in itself.

Not everyone will agree with me. Some in the community won’t want to be treated differently, and that’s completely understandable. But the reality is, our physical limitations exist. Pushing beyond them can sometimes do more harm than good.

My biggest challenge is myself. I am constantly competing with the person I used to be—the girl who juggled multiple jobs, always chasing a new adventure. I miss her. But I am slowly accepting that I am different now. That acceptance will be my next step.

What took me by surprise was how quickly trauma can resurface. Years of therapy didn’t prepare me for this. Last week, while driving to my friend’s house, I witnessed a car accident. The scream of a woman involved in the collision paralyzed me. The chaos of the scene, the lack of care from passing drivers, the way she was both hysterically laughing and screaming—it got to me. Little did I know, that moment would push me into a deep depression and burnout.

From now on, you’ll hear from me every second day, as I am putting school aside for a month or two. But I will also be taking more time for myself—time to heal mentally and physically, which means more breaks from social media.

My goal is to reconnect deeply with my family and spend more time in nature, away from notifications—probably wearing my CHAP-OH ball cap. This is not me giving up. This is me allowing myself the space and calmness I need.